Anyone surprised she's still single?

Dear Online Matches,

Let's cut to the chase. We are using an online matching service because we are having difficulty meeting people in the real world. We are assuming that by putting our information on the Internet somehow we will find a person right for us. I realize that you and I maybe looking for different things, so I have decided to make this easier on both of us. I will tell you what I do and do not want. You can read this and make an informed decision.

I am not looking for a man who will not take the time to spell check, use punctuation or capital letters. These are essential parts of written communication. I know in this text and instant messaging world shorthand and abbreviations are frequently used. You are writing an ad about yourself. I am not asking for the Great American Novel. I am asking that you demonstrate that you are literate and understand that there is a time and place for utterly informal written, informal writing, and formal.

I am not looking for a man who says he is "greatful for all that God has done in his life" and God is one of the most important things in his life, then proceeds to say he doesn't care if telling people what's on his mind hurts or offends them. It has been a while since I've read any version of the Bible, but I'm pretty sure there's something in there about "do unto others as you would have them do unto you", pride and arrogance. I agree that hypocrisy and insincerity are loathsome; however, thoughtlessness and insensitivity are just as bad. You have already told me that you will not consider my feelings when you're talking with me. Why would I invite that into my life? I can encounter that while interacting with any other stranger.

I am not looking for a man who proclaims he is a "sex machine that can satisfy a woman for hours." Hours? Is there a snack break involved? What about a nap? If I want a machine, I can acquire that over the Internet or at a local boutique. Do my grocery shopping, put away the groceries, take my car for a wash and tune up, drop off several bags at Goodwill, properly deal with my paper filing, clean my apartment including the litter box, windows and oven which has burnt chocolate cake batter stuck to it. That would satisfy me for hours.

I am not looking for a man who responds to the question, "What is something only your close friends know about you?" with, "You'll have to get to know me better/If I told you, then only my close friends wouldn't know." You are not the first person to use that answer. It is neither original nor honest. Say something honest. Say something about yourself. Tell me that BBQ Flavored Frito's are your guilty snack pleasure. That the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz still freak you out. That you have a Man-Crush on Tom Brady. That you were totally into Dungeons & Dragons when you were growing up. That you are still traumatized by the fact that during your little sister's slumber party when you were 10 years old they held you down and gave you a makeover. That you only signed up for this stupid service to get family and friends off of your back for still being single.

I am not looking for a man who specifies women must practice good hygiene, not spit and be fashionable. Where have you been spending time that you need to explicitly state this as a need? What have you been doing that attracts spitting women who do not properly care for themselves to you? I do not have the world's greatest fashion sense; however I dress appropriately for the event and I also clean up extremely well. On more than one occasion I have been told that I smell quite nice. I have been known to spit out popcorn flavored Jelly Beans after one bite, but those things are an abomination. I also spit watermelon seeds with small children and my father.

I am looking for a man who is kind. Unlike Mary J. Blige, I do not need you to buy me something to show your appreciation. I do not need you to coo at puppies or birdies or fishes, but please give up your seat on the Metro to someone who looks old enough to be your mother or grandmother. Why? Because you would want someone to do the same for your mother or grandmother. (And your mother or grandmother would smack you upside the head if you didn't.)

I am looking for someone who is intelligent and is curious about the world. I am not the smartest person in the world, but I am also not dumb. It would be nice if you have post secondary training because honestly I don't know how you could support yourself without it in this day and age. However, if you're legally and gainfully employed and have a comfortable life, by conventional standards, with a high school degree then we can talk. I have a BA and Masters degrees from schools that are generally considered to be good. That doesn't mean I'm intelligent. It does mean I was able to take some standardized tests and stick with a formal education program for 4 and 2 years, respectively. If you're intimidated by a woman with more formal education than you, and you don't have a coupla' degrees then I'm not your woman. I am curious about the world. I read all sorts of books and love to watch documentaries and visit museums and read historical markers. The world is huge, life is short, and there's a great deal that I don't know. One of my favorite words is "Why?". I became a librarian because the idea that I could get a degree in finding and organizing stuff and sharing what I found with others was a joyous epiphany.

I am looking for a man who doesn't expect me to be black for them. Look, I have enough trouble being black for myself. I will not do it for two people. I've dated enough black men, learned to cook the right stuff and subscribed to Essence where I still have my Right to Be Black Card. I've dated enough white men, plus downloading several John Denver songs from iTunes, where I still have my Right To Be Black Card and I'm on probation. So, whether you are white or black, do not foist your notions of what it means to be an African American onto me. If you're a black man, I know you'll come with your own set of issues and there are some things I won't be able to explain about being a black woman in America. If you're a white man, I know that you'll come with your own set of issues and there are some things I won't be able to explain about being a black woman in America.

I am looking for a man who will laugh with me and will not be embarrassed by the fact that I sometimes laugh loudly. And snort. In public. Look, we have to be able to laugh about a lot of the same things. Laughter is the ability to put things in perspective. If we have very different perspectives on the world that could definitely be a challenge.

I am looking for a man who will accept the fact that I come with baggage and that I am willing to accept the fact that he comes with baggage. I think it's nigh unto impossible to reach your 30s without any baggage. My goal is to find a man with different baggage than I have. Together we'll have a matching set and we'll take turns carrying each other's baggage.

I am looking for a man who accepts I am loyal, stubborn, generous, sentimental, a little bit of a wallflower, not a late night person, and doesn't do well with a lot of change at one time. I am also bossy and a little sappy. I wage a constant battle against the piles of paper in my home, spend a little too much time in self reflection, and should spend less time planning to do stuff and more time doing stuff.

I am looking for a man that accepts there will always be at least one cat in my life. The cat will be well treated. The cat will get appropriate medical care and plenty of toys and a comfortable place to sleep every night. The cat will be a part of the family. As one friend of mine said, If the cat needs a fur transplant, the cat gets a fur transplant. No questions asked. This is non-negotiable.

I am looking for a man who accepts I am the person that I am because I was nurtured, loved, and guided by a community of family and friends. This community is part of the deal. These are the people that collectively know all of my secrets, hopes, and fears. They love me unconditionally. They have high standards for me, and they only want the best for me. They have no qualms about letting me know when I'm not living up to my best. They will give any man that I love a thorough inspection. Be yourself. Win them over with your sincerity, intelligence, kindness, and sense of humor and they'll remind me how blessed we are to have each other. I expect the same from your community of family and friends.

I am looking for a man who that will make me blush. Not because his behavior is inappropriate, but because when I spend time with him, I am amazed that I get to spend time with him. Because even though I dislike public displays of affection, he wants to kiss me and I want to be kissed. Because he walks into the room, and things seem a little brighter. Because despite my natural disinclination, I have found someone to walk with me into the kind of sunset you only see at the end of Hallmark/Lifetime/Disney movies.

I am looking for a man who understands once he has my heart, he'll have it forever. That is an awesome responsibility, and not to be taken lightly. I am looking for a man who is willing to give me his heart. I will hold it with gentleness, tenderness, and steadfastness. (This is wear the aforementioned stubbornness pays off.) Woe unto anyone or anything that tries to wrench his heart from my hand. Things will not go well for that being.

That’s mostly it. My feelings won’t be hurt if you think, Wow, that chick is crazy and a lot of work. You’ve got the information to make a thoughtful decision.

Happy searching to you and me, too.